Children Writing About the Ocean

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
- (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
- (Jerry, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
- ( Wayne, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
- (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
- (Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
- (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
- (William, age 7)

8) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
- (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
- (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
- (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
- (Kevin, age 6)

13) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat butt.
- (Julie, age 7)

14) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
- (Bobby, age 6)
15) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
- (James, age 7)


The Hair Dryer

A woman asked the Priest sitting beside her on a air flight, 'Father, may ask a favour?'
'Of course. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought a very expensive Swiss woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father..........Next!'


One of our teachers....

Used to bring her whippet to school with her.
The cruel cow used to keep it in her car all day. with a window open a little bit to let the air in.
One swelteringly summers day we decided that the time had come to be cruel to be kind and so pushed a full bar of laxative chocolate through the car window.
I can only ask that you use your imagination to the fullest when picturing the scene resulting from a dog that has completely loosed its bowels in the back of a car that was doubling as a greenhouse on that summers day.
The contorted expressions that the teachers face went through as she attempted to get the car into a drivable state whilst hundreds of pupils gathered round to watch was fantastic.

She never did bring the dog to school again.